1 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:40,233 There. That's "War and Peace" finished. 2 00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:44,434 I knew that Russian bloke did it. Same as last time. 3 00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:51,440 What's he doing in there ? 4 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:58,253 I could have written that. I would have, too, if Tolstoy hadn't sneaked in first. 5 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:04,023 Only I'd have put some nudey pictures in. I wouldn't call it "War and Peace", either. 6 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:08,624 I'd call it something more appropriate, like..."A Load of Old Bollocks." 7 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,766 What is he up to in there ?! 8 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,638 Oh, God ! I'm so bored. 9 00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,241 Oh, all right. Off we go again. 10 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:31,614 Count Leo Tolstoy... 11 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:36,328 Well, they spelt "Count" wrong, didn't they ? 12 00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:41,634 Right. That's it. I've had enough. Eddie ! 13 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,102 Eddie ? 14 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,732 Eddie, you've been in there for seven days. What are you doing ? Eddie ? 15 00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:52,868 Right, young man. I'll count to three, 16 00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:57,176 then I'm having a ruddy good look through that keyhole. 17 00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,911 One... two... 18 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,351 Two ! 19 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:03,956 Three. 20 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,561 Not funny. 21 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:18,660 Oh, Eddie, please. I'm so lonely. I haven't had anyone to talk at for a week. 22 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,798 - What are you doing ? - It's just a hobby of mine. 23 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:28,574 - Why don't you go and do yours ? - I've had five this afternoon already. 24 00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:31,149 - Oh, Eddie. - Sod off. 25 00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,479 Eddie ? 26 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:36,589 Eddieeee-eeee ? 27 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:46,497 Eeeeeeeeeddieeeeeeeeeee-mwah. 28 00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:07,849 Oh, blimey ! I'd better put it out. It could go on for days, I'm so well hung ! 29 00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:20,588 Just need some more ink. 30 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:28,668 You've found something to help pass the time, then ? 31 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:31,971 Yes, thank you, Eddie. Point taken. 32 00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:35,948 Well, point nearly burnt right off, actually. 33 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,073 Oh, God ! What a life. 34 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,685 Ow ! 35 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,980 Oh, who'd be me ? 36 00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:45,784 Oh, God ! I'm so bored. 37 00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:51,192 I'm so bored I could watch a whole episode of "The Bill" without vomiting blood. 38 00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:55,367 No, no. I mustn't. I owe it to myself. 39 00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:59,369 Oh. I can't go on like this. 40 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:05,805 Hurrah ! I'm coming ! I'm coming ! Wait ! 41 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,039 I'm coming ! Don't go away. You'll like me. 42 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:13,744 Spudgun ! Dave Hedgehog ! How great to see you. 43 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,878 Er, well... come ye. 44 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:19,685 Come ye... why don't you ? 45 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,487 Ah ! 46 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,629 So, what brings you round here ? 47 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,760 The bus. 48 00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:34,737 No. I mean, why are you here ? 49 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:37,274 His telly's broke. 50 00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:40,777 Oh, charming. Well, anyway, er... sherry ? 51 00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:44,246 - No. - Good, 'cause we haven't got any. 52 00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,215 - Er, cheesy dip ? - Yeah. 53 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:50,220 - Yeah. - Me, too. There's something going round. 54 00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:55,094 Oh, well. Let's all have an olive. 55 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,695 Here we are. 56 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,492 Phwoar ! 57 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,692 Uh-uh. 58 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,569 Just one. 59 00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:09,231 There we are. 60 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:16,081 So, Spudgun... read any good books lately ? 61 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:20,314 Well, have you thought about anything ever ? 62 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:24,014 - Um... Er... - Well, never mind. Hedgehog ? 63 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,648 - I was thinking... - Oh, he's got one ! Strap in ! 64 00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:29,353 It might be a bumpy ride. 65 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:32,987 - Go on. - Well, I was thinking about baked beans. 66 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,063 Ah... 67 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:38,864 'Cause it, like, says on the label "baked beans", 68 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:42,736 but wouldn't it be funny if there was just one baked bean, 69 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:45,309 'cause then it'd be a misprint ? 70 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,943 That's the end. I wasn't thinkin'... 71 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:53,575 Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Ha-ha-ha-ha ! 72 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,051 Ha-ha-ha. 73 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:59,682 Terrific. It's great when us great minds get together, isn't it ? 74 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:04,422 What can I say ? It's happened to me fumfty times. Marvellous. 75 00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,259 - So, Hedgehog... - No ! 76 00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:10,165 - What ? - I don't know anything ! Help ! 77 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,567 Eddie ! Eddie ! It's talking at us again ! 78 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:15,833 - Help ! - No, shush. I've got it. Morris dancing. 79 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:21,845 Eh ? Come on. Get your hankies out. I hope they're not as crinkly as mine. 80 00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:27,584 Come on. Look lively. Skippity, hoppity, slappity-slap. 81 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,621 Skippity, hoppity, chinky-chink. Get your bladders out. 82 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,090 - Hello, Eddie. - Eddie ! Thank God you're here ! 83 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:38,425 The troglodytes have arrived. I've been trying to occupy them for hours. 84 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,431 - Hello, boys. - Are they dry yet ? 85 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,159 Shh ! 86 00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:46,465 - His wife's not supposed to know. - What ? 87 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,905 What ? Is there something going on ? 88 00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:52,943 I think we better go upstairs, boys. 89 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,513 Oh, look. A nudey magazine. 90 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,843 Oh ! Where ? Where ? 91 00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:00,919 Where ? Where, guys ? 92 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,611 Guys ? 93 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,189 Guys ? Guys ! 94 00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:09,687 Here you go, boys. El Dorado. 95 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,797 - Wow ! - Nice one, Eddie. 96 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:16,163 Guys. What nudey magazine ? What's going on up here ? 97 00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:21,239 Anything for a joke. Come on, you wild bunch. What's going on ? 98 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,535 Come on, guys. Let me in. 99 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:32,280 You guys are great, aren't you ? 100 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,955 Eddie. You've been... 101 00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:48,556 That's right, me ol' black-hearted bounty hunter from the devil's lavatory. 102 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:51,568 I've been forging money. 103 00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:56,266 No more living on the edge. No more tick. No more nicking. 104 00:07:56,409 --> 00:08:00,778 No more running into off-licenses to see how much we can drink before the police arrive. 105 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:05,979 Spudgun, have 25 grand. 106 00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:08,416 Hedgehog, have 100 grand. 107 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:12,046 Richie... have a �15 note. 108 00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:16,494 - Fifteen ? - Yeah, it's a misprint, but very rare. 109 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:19,530 Could be worth 20p in a few years. 110 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,860 Let's get down the Maserati showroom. 111 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:25,232 Hang on a sec. What's this tomato ? 112 00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:31,540 That's the Queen's face. I've got to get the dye right yet. 113 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,237 I think you've got to get the shape right. 114 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:37,372 Now, that is Welsh money. 115 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:42,784 - They don't have any Welsh money. - No wonder they all vote Labour. 116 00:08:42,922 --> 00:08:47,985 - Here, what are those ? - Those are the Queen's jugs. 117 00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:51,789 - What ?! - The Queen's jugs. 118 00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:56,334 Eddie. - the Queen doesn't have jugs. She's royalty. 119 00:08:56,469 --> 00:09:00,371 And - if she did, she wouldn't get them out on a fiver. 120 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,805 She'd save 'em up for the fifty. 121 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:09,404 If you care to have a look at my fifty, I think you'll find it a mite more risqu�. 122 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,278 God ! 123 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,053 - That's disgusting ! - I know. 124 00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,553 Eddie, that's tantamount to treason ! 125 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:21,888 How will you pass off these pornographic doodles as real money ? 126 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:26,124 Especially when you see what the Duke of Edinburgh's up to. 127 00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:29,996 - Who's that with him ? - Meryl Streep. 128 00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:35,805 Hang on. She's got three knockers. 129 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:39,434 No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle. 130 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,774 - Nice one. - Eddie, are you insane ?! 131 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,348 You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg. 132 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:50,615 That's the plan. The unsuspecting publican will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica 133 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:56,558 that I'll have had seven pints by the time he notices how crap the squiggly lines are. 134 00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,293 To the nearest hostelry to expose our prodigiousness. 135 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:04,494 - No, to the Lamb and Flag to see if it works. - It's a better idea than mine. 136 00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:06,867 - I didn't know what I was talking about. - Nor did I. 137 00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:14,438 Stand back, birds. It's the Hammersmith hard men ! 138 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,480 - There's no birds here. - As usual. 139 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:21,713 All right. Stand back, everyone else. Once we get started, who knows when we'll stop ? 140 00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:25,756 Usually when Dick finds out we haven't any money. 141 00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:28,689 But not tonight. 142 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,027 Evening, Dick. Lovely weather. 143 00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:36,361 - It's rainin'. - Yes. 144 00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:40,801 - Is that a Guards' tie you're wearing ? - It is, actually. 145 00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:44,273 Well, maybe you should give it back to him. 146 00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:47,243 Right, enough of the conversational pleasantries. 147 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,872 - Drinks all round. - Of course there is. It's a pub ! 148 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:54,282 No, I mean drinks all round us. What are you having ? 149 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,445 Palpitations. Has he seen the cash yet ? 150 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,752 Don't blow it or I'll swing for you. 151 00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:02,725 Come on ! I'm very busy ! 152 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,458 - No, you're not. - I know, 153 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:08,624 but I've been on a course in customer relations. 154 00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:14,798 So... hurry up and order, you time-wasting parasites, or I'll set the dogs on ya ! 155 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,407 - Boys ? - Half a mild. 156 00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:22,071 - Same for me in a pint glass, please. - I'll have a pint in a half-pint glass. 157 00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:26,207 - Richie ? - What ? Oh, er, anything. 158 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,617 It doesn't matter. Anything'll do. You know, anything at all, really. 159 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,986 Oh, um... something sophisticated and Left Bank. 160 00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:35,320 Ooh, um... 161 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:40,023 Er, oh, diddly-do diddly-do. I don't know... 162 00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,532 - Um... Oh, absinthe. - Bless you. 163 00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:46,866 - It's a... It's a drink, Eddie. - Oh, right. And a pint of absinthe, please. 164 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:49,031 - Absinthe ? - Yes. 165 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:53,669 - There's a gay pub down the road, you know ? - Oi ! Oi ! Oi ! 166 00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,839 - Are you starting, buster ? - We haven't got any, anyway. 167 00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:59,576 What about, er... Pernod ? 168 00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:04,415 Oh... yes. All right, then. A pint of Pernod. 169 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:08,152 - Make it a straight glass with a good head. - Here you go. 170 00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,592 Thank you, mein host. 171 00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:14,965 And what's this ? 172 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,400 It... is a �27 note. 173 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:25,305 - Keep the change. - You can't expect me... to... 174 00:12:25,444 --> 00:12:26,706 Phwoar ! 175 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,182 Er... Yeah, take 'em, take 'em. 176 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:35,185 Er... I think the light's a bit better in the toilets. 177 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,346 Watch the bar for me, would you ? 178 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:41,626 It bloody worked. Here's to us, the master criminals ! 179 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,888 Cheers ! 180 00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,556 This is shit ! 181 00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:52,594 Hello ? Skullcrusher Henderson ? 182 00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:56,037 Yeah, it's Dick Head here. 183 00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:58,302 No, don't laugh. 184 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:04,713 Yeah, I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic �27 note, 185 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:07,819 which may be of interest to a man in your position. 186 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:11,252 What ? Well, it's Sylvester Stallone 187 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:16,794 fisting what looks like Mister MacHenry from "The Magic Roundabout". 188 00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:20,990 And they say Toulouse-Lautrec used to drink this ? 189 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,727 No wonder his paintings were crap. 190 00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,964 Hello, boys. Everything all right ? 191 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,903 - Not a problem. - It's been very quiet. 192 00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:37,041 A coachload of Japs came and finished off the Malibu, but apart from that... 193 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:40,175 Good. Gives us a chance for a chat. 194 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:44,688 - A chat ? - Yeah. I've just been on to one of my pals, 195 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:51,286 Skullcrusher Henderson, who, as it happens, is THE master counterfeiter of London Town. 196 00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:55,230 He takes a dim view to people muscling in on his patch. 197 00:13:55,367 --> 00:14:00,999 Some might say an almost psychotically violently dim view. 198 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,040 So ? 199 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,473 - So, Eddie... - Ah-ah-ah-ah ! 200 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:09,069 My name is... Deirdre Barlow. 201 00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:11,547 - So is mine. - Me, too. 202 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,311 And his. 203 00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:17,513 Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you. 204 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,955 Should we send him some flowers ? 205 00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:24,824 No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. 206 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:31,563 Basically, unless you stop printing and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, 207 00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:35,730 he's going to come round here and crush your skulls. 208 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,674 Is that bad ? 209 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:44,875 - And that's why they call him Skullcrusher. - Exactly. So, till tonight, gentlemen. 210 00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,851 - I think I need the lavvy. - Me, too. 211 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:52,014 - And me. - I've just been. 212 00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:58,653 - What are we going to do ?! - I'm thinking ! 213 00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,958 We'll come back next week, then, shall we ?! 214 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,000 Ooh ! Look ! 215 00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:07,196 I've just had a pint of absinthe. I'm practically blind ! 216 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:12,106 That sign. "Annual pub quiz. First prize 5,000 quid." 217 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:16,112 - Eddie, you're a genius ! - Hang on. 5,000 quid. 218 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,445 That's just what we need to pay Dick. 219 00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:25,213 Eddie. I've just had the same idea as you. 220 00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:28,520 Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! 221 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:33,098 - Hey, Dick, put us in for the quiz tonight. - Certainly. 200 quid. 222 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:34,756 - What ?! - Each. 223 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:38,358 - Double what ?! - That's a bit steep, isn't it ? 224 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,665 Steep ? It's effing vertical. 225 00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:44,003 Well, it is a very, very big prize. 226 00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:46,805 Excuse us just one moment. 227 00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:53,110 Er, Dick... would you accept teeth ? 228 00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:55,982 - Gold ones. - Great. 229 00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,986 - There you go, Dick. - Hang on. 230 00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,528 - There's only enough here for two. - What ? Oh, rats' bollocks ! 231 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:10,397 Er... Right, stand firm, Eddie. This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me. 232 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,629 I had an idea it might. 233 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:16,802 - Are you off ? - No, just getting a good run up. 234 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,286 - How was that ? - Wrong side. 235 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:31,753 God, the things I do for you ! 236 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,054 Spit. 237 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:59,210 There you go, Dick. Hang on, these are all real. 238 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,047 Well, I haven't got any gold teeth. 239 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:04,917 Haven't you ? God, I've got about three. 240 00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:07,389 - Oh, good. - Oh, shit ! 241 00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:24,908 Thank you. 242 00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:30,775 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 243 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:34,511 There we are, Dick. Ooh, look. Some change. 244 00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:37,679 Hah ! Be blab burbed blibbelly ! 245 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:40,553 - Pardon ? - Be blab burbed blibbelly ! 246 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:47,726 Thanks, Eddie. The plan worked brilliantly. Now we have to bone up. 247 00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:52,166 Right, well, you do what you like, but we'll do some revision. 248 00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:55,933 - We could do that as well. - We've got two hands. 249 00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:08,084 Trousers off, birds. It's the Hammersmith hard men ! 250 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:11,314 - Sexist pig ! - That's us, baby. 251 00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,517 Thank God for Grandad's teeth. The birds are crazy already. 252 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:18,596 - Right, four pints of mild, thanks, Dick. - What's this ? 253 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:22,461 It is a 137 krugerrand note. 254 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:27,436 Bloody hell ! Is that Dick Emery ? I didn't know he could ride. 255 00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:30,440 No, he's not riding. That's Princess Anne. 256 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:36,515 I told you to stop printing unless you want to incur the wrath of Skullcrusher. 257 00:18:36,648 --> 00:18:39,674 All right. Take this gold tooth, you bastard. 258 00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:41,410 - Racketeer ! - Vulture ! 259 00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:44,215 - Body snatcher ! - Shop assistant ! 260 00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:47,484 Budgie ! No, that's not it. 261 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,789 - No, it's not, is it ? - Oh, this is embarrassing now. 262 00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:54,592 You're on table number three. Right. Fingers on buzzers. 263 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:57,293 Don't be so foul ! 264 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:00,863 Got it ! Hamster ! 265 00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:04,703 Help ! Help ! Someone's anus has broken loose ! 266 00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:09,344 Good one, Hedgehog. Look at him trying not to cry. Great. 267 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:13,781 - What's this ? - Hitler, Hammersmith. 268 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:19,117 - Oi ! Who's pressing their buzzers ? - Oh, is that the buzzer ? I thought... 269 00:19:24,129 --> 00:19:28,395 Crikey-o-blimey ! I thought my crumpetometer was going doolally. 270 00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:33,294 Get an eyeful of the nursey jug-fest on table number two. 271 00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,067 Hey, Richie... 272 00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,305 - I've got a great plan. - Run with it, Eddie. 273 00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:45,041 You are the raunch machine ! 274 00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,819 Hi, birds. 275 00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:53,755 Oh, dear. I seem to have inadvertently dropped my keys under your table. 276 00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:57,726 You don't mind if I bend down and have a quick get of them ? 277 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:07,264 God ! God, Eddie ! You're so hard. 278 00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,839 Yeah, well, I am now. 279 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:15,141 Well, come on. Come on. What did you see ? 280 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,646 - Is it true ? - Don't be stupid, Richie. 281 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,718 It was just a cover. I was fixing their buzzer. 282 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:22,342 Phwoar ! 283 00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:25,752 Fixing their buzzer ! 284 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,121 - Oh ! Fixing their buzzer ! - Yeah. 285 00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:32,788 Hey, good idea. Why don't you fix the buzzers on the other tables ? 286 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:38,733 - Right, I'll do the CID table first. - Tell you what, give me the big coat. 287 00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:43,136 While you're at it, I'll stash the encyclopaedias in the lavvy. 288 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:47,069 Er, hi, blokes. 289 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:52,013 Oh, dear. Dropped me keys. Don't mind if I get 'em, do you ? 290 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:08,262 Oh, dear, everyone. I'm putting on so much weight these days. 291 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:13,099 Oh, great. A gentleman's lavatory. I'll just pop in for a quick workout. 292 00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:18,335 When I say a quick workout, I don't mean a sort of hairy-handed adolescent... 293 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:21,776 It's all right, Rich. No one's listening to you. 294 00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:27,412 We could be at home, looking at the telly. 295 00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:29,577 You said the telly's broke. 296 00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:33,522 That doesn't matter. We could just look at it. 297 00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:07,814 Oh, they've run out of extra large. 298 00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:13,086 Er... Gonna have to use the bin bag again tonight. 299 00:22:13,231 --> 00:22:15,631 Hope it's dry. 300 00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:25,934 OK. All set ? 301 00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:28,671 They don't stand a chance. 302 00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:31,374 Right. Spudgun. What's your special subject ? 303 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:34,178 Oh. I had it a minute ago. 304 00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:38,617 - Hedgehog, what's yours ? - Um... I'll have a pint, please. 305 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,625 Well, it's a start. Look, I'll cover Eng, Hist, Geog, Chem, Phys, 306 00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:48,028 Bilg, Lat, Fr and Gym, OK ? 307 00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:50,498 All the brainy stuff. Eddie, what are you covering ? 308 00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:53,900 - The exits. - Right, off we go. 309 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,031 - You nervous, Eddie ? - No, I think it's that bloke. 310 00:22:57,175 --> 00:22:59,837 - Tell him to put a cork in it ! - Right. 311 00:22:59,978 --> 00:23:03,573 Now, I'd like to welcome you all to the Lamb and Flag, 312 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,583 especially our rival pub, the Dog and Handgun. 313 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:11,211 Get on with it, you latent homosexual ! 314 00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:16,521 All right ! Keep it friendly. We all got three months last time, remember ? 315 00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:21,030 Right, here we go. First one to ten gets the 5,000 quid. 316 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,760 Questions come from the "World of Knowledge", 317 00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:27,133 1,000 questions for eight- to ten-year-olds. 318 00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:30,667 Shit ! 319 00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:33,300 Concentrate, guys. This is gonna be a bitch ! 320 00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:36,846 Right, here we go. First question. Brace yourselves. 321 00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:41,545 Where are the Appalachians ? 322 00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:51,858 Is the wrong answer. I can hand it over for a bonus point. 323 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:58,566 No, I think you'll find that was the same answer the CID gave. 324 00:23:58,703 --> 00:24:02,195 - Right, moving along, then... - Christ. He's stopped breathing. 325 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:06,367 Oi ! Quiet please. What - and I'll repeat that - 326 00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:09,071 what is the square root of 100 ? 327 00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:14,377 - Phone for an ambulance ! - I thought you were covering maths. 328 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,612 Is that... ? I thought it was gardening. 329 00:24:18,156 --> 00:24:21,523 - Could it be daffodils ? - Oh, we're not getting anywhere ! 330 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:24,527 Bide your time, Richie. Bide your time. 331 00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:29,999 Right, next question, which is the greater, two dozen or a score ? 332 00:24:31,269 --> 00:24:32,793 - Daffodils. - Wrong. 333 00:24:32,938 --> 00:24:35,372 - It bloody is. - No, it isn't. 334 00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:39,102 - Are you calling me a liar ? - No, I'm calling you a tosser. 335 00:24:41,079 --> 00:24:43,775 - Well, that's OK, then. - We need more bandages. 336 00:24:43,915 --> 00:24:48,750 See ? The plan's working brilliantly. They're all busy looking after the wounded. 337 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:52,846 This is where we close in for the kill. 338 00:24:56,695 --> 00:25:01,860 Yeah. Get them out of here ! And watch the blood on me sawdust. 339 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,664 Now. With the, er... team neck and neck 340 00:25:06,805 --> 00:25:13,540 on a nail-biting zero all round, we move on to our next category - pop music. 341 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:17,810 Berlin is the capital of which country ? Germany. 342 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:23,146 The answer's in the question. 343 00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:27,484 Look, Eddie, you keep him talking. 344 00:25:27,626 --> 00:25:32,063 - I'll nip into the lavvy and look it up. - Righty-dokey. 345 00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:37,225 Er, Dick... isn't it true that you once did a trial for QPR ? 346 00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:43,899 That's right. Trevor Francis phones me up. He says, "Dick Head ?" I said, "That's me..." 347 00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,904 - Is somebody in there ? - Yeah. 348 00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:53,449 - It's out of order. - Not as out of order as I am. 349 00:26:03,194 --> 00:26:06,186 I've got through three books of this posh loo paper already. 350 00:26:06,331 --> 00:26:09,266 What ?! Oh, no. E to K ! 351 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,926 You bastard ! 352 00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,436 Oh, Jes... ! 353 00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:27,116 ...straight in the corner of the net. I turn for applause, Les Ferdinand decks me. 354 00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:30,881 Apparently, I was supposed to score at the other end, 355 00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:34,116 but loads of their players were up that end... 356 00:26:35,393 --> 00:26:37,190 Well, I showed him... 357 00:26:37,329 --> 00:26:40,662 how to completely beat the shit out of me. 358 00:26:40,799 --> 00:26:43,359 - Anyway... - Yeah, thanks. That's enough, Dick. 359 00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:45,992 - Now, what was the answer ? - Pass. 360 00:26:47,539 --> 00:26:49,803 - Pass. - Correct. 361 00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:51,875 - What ?! - Well, near enough. 362 00:26:52,010 --> 00:26:55,309 - We get the five grand ? - Yeah. Here you go. 363 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:59,178 Now, bugger off, 'cause I'm off down the night bank. 364 00:26:59,317 --> 00:27:02,252 - We won ! - Come on ! Let's scarper ! 365 00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:10,588 Evening, Skullcrusher. 366 00:27:10,729 --> 00:27:12,060 Oh, er... 367 00:27:12,197 --> 00:27:14,791 Hello, Mr Skullcrusher... 368 00:27:14,933 --> 00:27:20,371 So glad you could make it. If I may say so, what a smashing blouse you have on. 369 00:27:20,505 --> 00:27:22,268 Oh, look. There's your five grand. 370 00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:25,035 Looks like 20 grand, it's wibbling about so much. 371 00:27:25,176 --> 00:27:27,736 Well, it's been a pleasure. 372 00:27:27,879 --> 00:27:30,347 - Look at the time, Eddie. - Yes, we must dash. 373 00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,677 Is that the door behind you ? 374 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:36,651 - Hang on ! - Is there some sort of a problem ? 375 00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:39,484 - I can't take this. It's forged. - What ? 376 00:27:39,624 --> 00:27:43,321 - It's not. - Yes, it is. I forged it. Look. 377 00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:47,227 That ain't the Queen, it's Danny La Rue. 378 00:27:47,365 --> 00:27:50,766 Well, it's a queen. 379 00:27:50,902 --> 00:27:54,668 - Yeah, I mean... won't that do ? - 'Fraid not, boys. 380 00:27:54,806 --> 00:27:58,298 It's skull-crushing time !